EOCAWKI: Quiet Please. We Have a Statement

As a PR guy for large financial institutions for four decades I have, as you might imagine, had many occasions to prepare public statements dealing with a a number of different matters, some good and some, let's just say, not so hot. If you could read through all of them, I'm sure you'd be struck by the recurrence of certain words, phrases and ideas that somehow seem to end up in a lot public statements issued by many large companies and public figures. So it seems only logical to collect those key words and phrases in one all-purpose statement that, with a few strategic choices, can be used for a variety of situations.  One idea for this universal statement follows.  Simply circle the appropriate words or phrases in parenthesis to create a plausible media statement to be read by some hapless spokesperson to cynical members of the press and public.  To deal with follow up questions, consider using the Jargon Master Matrix. (See EOCAWKI posting dated September 22, 2016)

My good friend Barry Koling, who was also my boss for the better part of 20 years, reminds that we do not comment on current litigation, pending litigation, matters involving individual clients, employment matters, matters pertaining to individual employees, current regulatory issues, past regulatory issues, rumors and speculation or any matter that might conceivably fall into one of these categories. For everything else, try this:

All Purpose Public Statement

• We (regret / deny / applaud) recent events which (are / are not) consistent with (our culture / our customers' interests / shareholders interests / industry best practices / the laws and regulations that govern our business.) 
• Management of our organization (strongly condemns / wholeheartedly endorses and encourages) such actions. 
• We intend to (look into this matter thoroughly / cooperate fully with the government's investigation / continue to pursue this approach).  
• This event is (an isolated incident and not reflective of systemic issues / clear evidence of the effectiveness of our longstanding focus on client/community/shareholder interests)  
• We are committed to making those affected by this matter whole / sharing the benefits of this action with our shareholders, employees and customers). 
• Those responsible for these actions (are no longer employed by our company / will be identified and dealt with appropriately / have been recognized and suitably rewarded). 
• We look forward to (putting this matter behind us / continued success).