The Jargon Master Matrix -- Celebrating the 20th Anniversary of 15 Minutes of Fame

Wall Street Journal, August 1, 1996

It’s hard to believe that it’s been more than 20 years since I came out of a mind-numbing meeting and jotted down the “Jargon Master Matrix.”  It wasn’t a new concept even at the time.  (In fact, I once found something quite similar written by a U.S. Army officer in 1914 using WWI-era military jargon!) Still, the words I selected for the JMM were pretty reflective of corporate jargon at the time so the thing got a bit of attention in the national media. The Wall Street Journal even did a “widow” about it. (“Widows” were short, usually amusing items that appeared in the lower left corner on B1.)

The Jargon Master Matrix works like this:  There are three columns, each with 14 rows of words. You pick three numbers at random between one and 14, find the corresponding words in each column and string them together to create a plausible corporate buzzword phrase.  The original 1996 version follows. It holds up pretty well, but it’s definitely time for a refresh with some 21^st Century bull$#i+.  I’ll put it on the list. Meanwhile, if you have any suggestions, send them along.

Choosing the Right Words is as Simple as 1, 2, 3

Business was so simple a decade ago. All we had to carp about back then was foreign competition and government regulation.  In today’s fast-changing world, though, it’s tough to tell your value propositions from your shifting paradigms. But that doesn’t mean you can’t dispense advice like a pro.  Even the most change-resistant troglodyte can sound like a high priced transformation consultant with the new Jargon Master Matrix.

     Unlike succeeding in today’s highly complex and increasing competitive environment, using the Jargon Master Matrix is simple. Just choose three numbers between 1 and 14.  Then, find the words in each column that correspond to those numbers and string them together in an entirely plausible phrase that will impress your colleagues and customers and make you sound like a knowledgeable observer of a dynamic industry.

   For example, say you chose 11, 8 and 7.  That would give you a “value-based process model,” just what every successful company needs as it moves toward the dawn of the 21^st century. The combination of 1,2 and 9 produces, “overarching support centralization,” a must for any firm bent on achieving maximum efficiency.

   The Jargon master Matrix is guaranteed to produce credible phrases that even the savviest executives will be loath to admit they don’t understand.

  One word of caution: the Jargon Master Matrix is best suited for use in a business environment.  You wouldn’t want to ruin a romantic moment with an ill-timed 2,4 and 14.

-Tony Mattera, Richmond, VA, 1996