EOCAWKI: Now I Know What I Shoulda Said Then

We’ve all had the experience of failing to come up with a witty or amusing response to something and then realizing much later what we should have said under the circumstances.  In my case, it took 44 years.
     I was a sophomore at Brooklyn College, enrolled in a theater class that included an improv component.  Our instructor was a professional actor — a middle aged man with slightly gray thinning curly hair.  He was assisted by two grad student TAs — a guy named Roy and Leah, a stunningly pretty young woman with long, red curly hair. I admit that as a healthy 19 year old heterosexual male, 

Brooklyn College days. Or daze?

I considered Leah’s presence in class an inducement to attend every session.  Plus, she really seemed to know her stuff. When Leah and Roy demonstrated improv we marveled at how they were able to come up with such funny material with so little apparent effort.  As I was to discover, it’s even harder than it looks. The three of them taught us the basics of improv, including the most fundamental tenet, never disagree.  It’s always, “Yes, and...”
     Our “exam” required us to take part in an actual improv on the stage at the George Gershwin Theater on the BC campus.  On exam day, a number of theater classes were combined, then split into groups of about 5 or 6 students, each group led by one of the TAs.  Two groups would perform each improv. I was in a group led by Roy. The TAs gave each group a scenario to start with but did not share the other group’s scenario.  My group was told that we were on a road trip and had run out of gas in front of a large house. After talking it over, we agreed that we would begin by ringing the doorbell, explaining that we had run out of gas and asking to use the phone. I was tapped to begin.  So when we were given our cue, I stepped up to an imaginary door, and rang an imaginary bell while one of my group members said, “Ding Dong.”

George Gershwin Theater at Brooklyn College.

In very short order, the entire other group opened the imaginary door.

     “Hi, there,” I started.  “Sorry to bother you, but my friends and I have run out of gas and I was wondering if we might use your phone.”
     It threw me for a bit of a loop when the group gathered around me and grabbed me by the arms. One of them said, “Sure, but first you have to come in and meet grandma.”  Bearing our lessons in mind, I said, “Yeah, sure.” And they literally pulled me to center stage where Leah was lounging across a table in a manner I can only describe as alluring. I was still processing all this when I heard someone say, “Say hello to grandma.”  So I stuck out my hand and said, “How ya doin’ grandma?”
And this extraordinarily attractive young woman with the amazing red curly hair took this 19 year old heterosexual male’s hand and placed it squarely on her perfect left boob. Then looked me right in the eyes and grinned.
     Yes, and...
    Well, I knew I should say something. Something!  But I was so stunned by this turn of events that, with my hand still resting happily where it had been placed, I turned slowly toward the audience where our instructor was seated in the front row.  My eyes were wide and my jaw slack.  It was an unintentional but perfectly timed and highly effective comedic take, and it brought down the house. Even the instructor was laughing.
     It took a while for the laughter to subside, but when it did he let me have it. I flopped.  I failed to advance the improv and I even came out of character. And he said it in front of everybody.  Not good.
      But it was good — for me, anyway.  I had an experience that I’d venture to say most males in that class were dreaming about and then I got a great laugh to boot. And it’s something I remember to this day. So, maybe it stunk as improv but as it was pretty damn terrific as a real life experience.
      So, what should I have said and done? It occurred to me the other day while watching Tina Fey demonstrate improv with David Letterman.  She’s so clever, so quick and so funny that I found myself wishing I had another chance to cultivate that kind of wit.  And it was at that moment I realized what I should have done and said when that beautiful TA took my hand and placed it on her boob.  I should have left it there for a long moment, looked her straight in the eyes and said, “If I’d known you wanted me to use the knocker I wouldn’t have rung the bell.”