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The Jargon Master Matrix -- Celebrating the 20th Anniversary of 15 Minutes of Fame

Wall Street Journal, August 1, 1996

It’s hard to believe that it’s been more than 20 years since I came out of a mind-numbing meeting and jotted down the “Jargon Master Matrix.”  It wasn’t a new concept even at the time.  (In fact, I once found something quite similar written by a U.S. Army officer in 1914 using WWI-era military jargon!) Still, the words I selected for the JMM were pretty reflective of corporate jargon at the time so the thing got a bit of attention in the national media. The Wall Street Journal even did a “widow” about it. (“Widows” were short, usually amusing items that appeared in the lower left corner on B1.)

The Jargon Master Matrix works like this:  There are three columns, each with 14 rows of words. You pick three numbers at random between one and 14, find the corresponding words in each column and string them together to create a plausible corporate buzzword phrase.  The original 1996 version follows. It holds up pretty well, but it’s definitely time for a refresh with some 21^st Century bull$#i+.  I’ll put it on the list. Meanwhile, if you have any suggestions, send them along.

Choosing the Right Words is as Simple as 1, 2, 3

Business was so simple a decade ago. All we had to carp about back then was foreign competition and government regulation.  In today’s fast-changing world, though, it’s tough to tell your value propositions from your shifting paradigms. But that doesn’t mean you can’t dispense advice like a pro.  Even the most change-resistant troglodyte can sound like a high priced transformation consultant with the new Jargon Master Matrix.

     Unlike succeeding in today’s highly complex and increasing competitive environment, using the Jargon Master Matrix is simple. Just choose three numbers between 1 and 14.  Then, find the words in each column that correspond to those numbers and string them together in an entirely plausible phrase that will impress your colleagues and customers and make you sound like a knowledgeable observer of a dynamic industry.

   For example, say you chose 11, 8 and 7.  That would give you a “value-based process model,” just what every successful company needs as it moves toward the dawn of the 21^st century. The combination of 1,2 and 9 produces, “overarching support centralization,” a must for any firm bent on achieving maximum efficiency.

   The Jargon master Matrix is guaranteed to produce credible phrases that even the savviest executives will be loath to admit they don’t understand.

  One word of caution: the Jargon Master Matrix is best suited for use in a business environment.  You wouldn’t want to ruin a romantic moment with an ill-timed 2,4 and 14.

-Tony Mattera, Richmond, VA, 1996

 

There once was a trip quite sublime...

I'm still processing everything we experienced during our recent vacation in England, France and Iceland. But just to touch on some of the highlights, in England, thanks to Alex and Celena, we took a really nice day trip from London to Bournemouth and a lovely hike by the dramatic beach at the wonderfully named Durdle Door. That evening we enjoyed fish and chips at a restaurant patio overlooking the beach while Bournemouth celebrated a military air and sea festival around us.  The Eurostar from London to Avignon was fast and comfortable. (I wish Amtrak worked as well.)  In France, we had a great time with our friends Philippe and Micheline at their vacation home in the village of Gargas at the foot of the Luberon Mountains. Paris once again claimed the top spot on my list of favorite cities. Iceland was a brand new experience.  It is the most otherworldly place I've ever seen and the native language is incomprehensible. Thank goodness everyone speaks perfect English.

There's so much to describe but, mostly to amuse myself, I took a shot at offering some observations on our trip in limerick form.  See what you think.   

Our flat near the Shepherd’s Bush station

Was nearly the ideal location

To explore London’s pride

With an Underground ride

To a pub for some lukewarm libation.

*****

In England the fries are called chips.

With fried cod these we shoved past our lips.

At a great place to stay

Down in Bournemouth one day

Where we watched all the planes and the ships.

Our day trip to Durdle Door wrapped up with a nice fish and chips dinner in Bournemouth where we watched the military air and sea festival unfold around us.

*****

If enchantment and good food you seek

Try the south of France for a week.

When you get down that way

Drink the best vin rosé.

It’s a treat that is simply unique.

Toasting my birthday for the 5th consecutive day with Philippe and Micheline at their home in Gargas

*****

I reach a state of near Zen

When I sit by the banks of the Seine.

In a Paris café

I could spend the whole day.

We should all do that now and again.

Ah, Paris…!

*****

With English and French I can deal.

The words are familiar, I feel.

But in Iceland the prose

Had me curling my toes.

The whole place is completely unreal.

Iceland's volcanic "lunar" landscape.

*****

To Iceland we must go back soon

And chill out in the warm Blue Lagoon

And from there watch the sky

For the Northern Lights high

Perhaps on a dark afternoon.

Reykjavik's Hallgrimskirkja, a white concrete church that dominates the city.  We couldn't really ask anyone for directions because we never knew how to pronounce anything!

 *****

Travel can broaden the mind

But here’s something else that you’ll find.

When you’re taking long trips

It can broaden the hips.

For your souvenir just look behind.