EOCAWKI: Quiet Please. We Have a Statement

As a PR guy for large financial institutions for four decades I have, as you might imagine, had many occasions to prepare public statements dealing with a a number of different matters, some good and some, let's just say, not so hot. If you could read through all of them, I'm sure you'd be struck by the recurrence of certain words, phrases and ideas that somehow seem to end up in a lot public statements issued by many large companies and public figures. So it seems only logical to collect those key words and phrases in one all-purpose statement that, with a few strategic choices, can be used for a variety of situations.  One idea for this universal statement follows.  Simply circle the appropriate words or phrases in parenthesis to create a plausible media statement to be read by some hapless spokesperson to cynical members of the press and public.  To deal with follow up questions, consider using the Jargon Master Matrix. (See EOCAWKI posting dated September 22, 2016)

My good friend Barry Koling, who was also my boss for the better part of 20 years, reminds that we do not comment on current litigation, pending litigation, matters involving individual clients, employment matters, matters pertaining to individual employees, current regulatory issues, past regulatory issues, rumors and speculation or any matter that might conceivably fall into one of these categories. For everything else, try this:

All Purpose Public Statement

• We (regret / deny / applaud) recent events which (are / are not) consistent with (our culture / our customers' interests / shareholders interests / industry best practices / the laws and regulations that govern our business.) 
• Management of our organization (strongly condemns / wholeheartedly endorses and encourages) such actions. 
• We intend to (look into this matter thoroughly / cooperate fully with the government's investigation / continue to pursue this approach).  
• This event is (an isolated incident and not reflective of systemic issues / clear evidence of the effectiveness of our longstanding focus on client/community/shareholder interests)  
• We are committed to making those affected by this matter whole / sharing the benefits of this action with our shareholders, employees and customers). 
• Those responsible for these actions (are no longer employed by our company / will be identified and dealt with appropriately / have been recognized and suitably rewarded). 
• We look forward to (putting this matter behind us / continued success).

EOCAWKI: When All is Said and Pun...

In 1983 while working in the PR department at what was then Marine Midland Bank in New York, I decided to submit an entry to a relatively new writing competition established by San Jose State University. It was the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, essentially a bad writing competition named in honor of the author who wrote the novel that begins with the phrase, "It was a dark and stormy night."  (No. It wasn't Snoopy.) The contest called for the opening line of a bad novel. My entry was: "Behar's swift feet carried him through the temple as his master, 'The American,' lay dying on a cot in the servant's hut." I entered just for fun and was quite surprised and delighted weeks later to receive a certificate of "Dishonorable Mention." By today's standards, my entry isn't great but I was really happy to get that Dishonorable Mention and I keep the certificate framed in my office to this day.  The contest has evolved over the years and the entries are often quite brilliant and extremely funny. (You can check out the latest at the contest web site, http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2015win.html)
     I also enjoyed those Washington Post competitions that had different criteria each week. For example, one called for removing a single letter from the name of a large company to create something else. So that produced things like "Itibank, for the small saver," and "General Ills, medicinal breakfast cereal."
  There are few things better than words, nicely arranged or altered to make people laugh. On the flip side, unintentionally misused words can feel like cold air hitting a chipped tooth. Someone once told me I was "in the wrong vernacular." He probably meant vocation. And someone once described to a friend how he had something "embezzled" on his belt buckle. Emblazoned, perhaps, or engraved? The comic Norm Crosby has been around forever and built his whole bit on such malapropisms. (More recently, when I heard "alternative facts," I wasn't sure whether to laugh out loud or howl in agony.)
    In any case, artfully misused words, words used in unexpected contexts, or puns can draw a laugh or a good-natured groan.
    Following are a few cringe-worthy examples to prime the pump. I'd love to see more. They don't have to be in any particular format. Anything that takes a word, well-known slogan or catch-phrase and uses or paraphrases it in a different way would be great.  If you have any to share please post them in a comment or send them my way. I think we can all use a chuckle these days, especially since the Cubs lost the World Series last year. Wait. Sorry. How did that alternative fact slip in there?

"He had worked his whole life for this. Now, America's Top Chef he could do what he needed to do -- rid the country of processed food, especially that silly canned cheese that so many people insisted on sprinkling on their pasta. He'd show them how much better it is to buy a fresh chunk and shred it yourself. Yes, he was ready... ready to make America grate again."

****

As a landscape designer, Jake sometimes didn't know who he was working for. This time, though, it was clear. He was sketching out the base paths for a  baseball field that would be part of a new housing subdivision and Dan Webber was well-known among real estate developers for his love of the national pastime. There could be no question about it. Diamonds are for Webber. 

****

"There she was, waiting, just like she said she would be. I drank in those liquid eyes and could almost taste those imploring lips, while her non-stop legs made a round trip to my heart starting from below my belt. She called me Little Caesar because she was hot and I was ready."

EOCAWKI: Kicking the Bucket List

It's been just over 5 months since I retired, capping a 40-year career in financial services public relations. (Imagine me in that field for 40 years?? I know, right?)  Anyway, the one question I hear most these days is, "Are you enjoying retirement?" The second most frequent question is, "What are you doing?" The answer to the first is yes, absolutely. The answer to the second is, I'm really not sure. I haven't been bored at all, but if you ask me what I did on on any given day the answer is likely to be disappointingly mundane. I get the feeling that when you retire, people expect you to immediately start off on amazing adventures from some bucket list. Sorry to disappoint, but I'm not sure that's what retirement is really like for most people. Take today, for example.

Sublime retirement time in the company of people I love!

     Over breakfast Roni and I read the paper and did two crossword puzzles. I went to the dentist for my regular checkup then Roni and I met for lunch. After lunch, she headed off to work and I went to buy this new laptop I'm writing this on. (The old one sort of exploded. But that's another story.)
     Laptop secured, I went to get my first haircut in many, many months. I was getting quite shaggy and figured it was time to chop the curls. (Doesn't "chop the curls" sound like a Brooklyn euphemism for something either sexual or aquatic?)  And so it goes on most days

     Aside from the day-to-day routine, Roni and I have traveled a bit and are planning some more trips. We visited friends in France and spent some time in England and Iceland. Closer to home we met up with friends in DC, rented a house in the mountains for a New Years weekend family gathering and have gone up a few times to see our son and daughter-in-law and other family and friends in New York. (As much as I miss my late dog, I have to admit it's great to be able to leave without worrying about pets. There's our cockatiel, Didgie,to think of, but he speaks English and can fend for himself for a while.)

Roni and I built this table and benches, the first of

many more projects to come.

 We've stayed busy at home, too. We built from scratch a table and benches to go on our new screened deck and, based on our success, we're planning to learn to do more woodworking and furniture building.
     I cook more than I used to and enjoy it more than ever. (Food is good. It makes me happy.) I swim laps and work out in the gym from time to time.  I've learned to meditate and it's made a real difference for me.
     I'm spending some time working for ACTS, a non-profit on whose board I serve as Secretary. It's an organization that provides financial and other support to people facing crises that threaten the stability of their lives and homes. They do amazing work and it's a privilege to do what I can to support them. One of my jobs will be to help beef up their website, ACTSRVA.org.
     I've been tidying up at home, focusing first on our garden shed, with plans to clean out the garage and attic where relics of our life have been accumulating for 26 years.  And, that's really it.
     So, I haven't scaled the Matterhorn but neither have I been sitting on my hands or on my butt in front of the TV.  Yet, for all their regularity, the days seem to fly by faster than they did when I was employed. In the course of those routine days I've met, talked to and learned from some very nice people with all kinds of outlooks on life. Someone recently observed that you never know what impact you're having on the people you meet everyday, even when it seems like you're not having any.  So, who knows. I guess it's  possible that in the course of our travels -- and even in the course of our day to day lives -- we're all in some way having an impact on the world at large. I hope it's a positive impact. The only thing I can say for sure is that so far retirement has been a blast and my shed is clean. That's a start. Let's give it another 40 years and see what happens.

EOCAWKI: Driven by What I Drive

Speaking from the perspective of a 62-year-old male human being, I have come over the years to believe that many boys and young men fall into one of two categories during their formative years: they are car guys or they are girl guys.  This is not to say that car guys don't like girls or girl guys don't like cars.  Rather, my contention is that their primary attention is devoted to the study and pursuit of their central object of interest.  So, a girl guy is interested primarily in attracting girls and if a nice car is a means to that end, so much the better. A car guy lusts after great cars first, with the understanding that it could help him attract a girl.  In any case, I believe that these tendencies tend to level out and become virtually dormant when a man reaches his late teens or early twenties and real responsibilities begin to take hold.  But they tend to reawaken when he hits mid-life by which point many have married and settled down with a family.

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For car guys, this re-awakening is not a big issue. They simply look for another car, often with the patient forbearance of a supportive spouse.  For girl guys at this stage of life, however, the implications can be more disruptive as spousal support and forbearance are not as likely to be offered.

I have long been a car guy.  In junior high and high school, I would walk down to the car dealerships on Kings Highway in Brooklyn, press my nose up against the glass and get lost in that lovely sheet metal, dreaming of the day I would be behind the wheel on my own.  To this day, I like to drive and enjoy beautiful and interesting car designs. I still visit car dealerships just to browse. (I'm sure the sales staffs love to see me coming.) My wonderful wife Roni has put up with more than 30 cars during our 37 years together (see list below), a testament to her support and patience.

However, in all that time, I have never been able to develop more than a basic understanding of automobile mechanics.  I have a rudimentary idea of how internal combustion engines work, how the power is transferred to the drive wheels through the transmission, how brakes stop the car and all that.  But if it came to actually repairing something, I would be just as lost today as I was when I had my nose pressed against the dealership windows.  Considering this, it occurred to me that even if you are passionate about something, you might not ever be able to understand what makes it tick.
Come to think of it, girl guys might well be thinking the same thing.

Mattera Motor Vehicles*
1966 Volkswagen Beetle, green
1973 Volkswagen Beetle, light blue
1975 Datsun B210
1971 Dodge Van, red
1981 Plymouth Reliant Wagon, dark blue
1981 Subaru Wagon, blue
1975 Subaru Sedan, white 
1986 Plymouth Voyager Minivan, silver
1975 Volkswagen Beetle, tan
1989 Eagle Summit, blue
1992 Plymouth Grand Voyager, green
1991 Mazda Miata, blue
1995 Volkswagen Jetta, green
1979 MG Midget, red
1989 Subaru XT, silver
1998 Saturn SL, white
2000 Mazda MPV, green
2001 Saturn SL1, green
1993 Infiniti J30, green
1993 Saturn SL2, silver
2000 Volkswagen Cabrio, green
2003 Chrysler PT Cruiser, blue
1999 Isuzu Hombre, green
2003 Kawasaki Vulcan 500 Ltd
2007 Mazda5
2006 Ford Ranger
2006 Hyundai Accent
2010 Hyundai Sonata
1988 Jeep Comanche
2012 Fiat 500**
2013 Honda Fit
2007 Dodge Grand Caravan **
2016 VW Golf**
* In roughly the order they were purchased
** Currently in the fleet

EOCAWKI: Food-Based Decision Making Worked for Me

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I have a confession to make.  I really like food.  Food is important to me. I like eating it and I like cooking it. Good food makes me happy. Bad food really bothers me. And as it turns out, food has influenced my attitudes and informed my decision-making throughout my life in ways that weren’t always obvious even to me.

I believe strongly in food-based decision making.

I realize now that as a child, I was able to sit patiently through Mass on Sunday morning no matter how long and boring the homily was because my mind was focused on the delicious Sunday meal that Nonna, my grandmother, was preparing at home.  I was anticipating the luscious aroma of the sauce that would wrap around  me like a loving hug when we got home. I was imagining the taste and texture of the perfect meatballs and braciole that simmered in the sauce, the pasta that would be covered by it and the crispy Italian bread that I would dip in it. And I knew that Nonna had probably set aside a couple of fried meatballs as a pre-dinner treat for my sister and me. With those delights waiting for us at home, an hour in a pew seemed like a small price to pay.

In my formative years Election Day was a time when I didn’t as much anticipate the outcome of the vote as I did the tasty English muffin pizzas that were our family’s traditional evening snack while watching the returns come in.

While working as a pharmacy delivery boy during my college years, (I referred to myself as a pharmaceutical distribution engineer), I could get through long, rainy delivery runs on cold dismal days if I knew that my friends and I were going out for a nice meal later.  The shrimp and salad bar and New York strip at Beefsteak Charley’s was incentive enough.

Nonna in her natural habitat in the early 60s.

When I graduated and started working as a reporter, I would volunteer to cover corporate events where I knew the food was likely to be good.  I still recall one legislative reception in Albany where I swear the shrimp were as big as my hand and the roast beef on the carving board called to me every bit as seductively as the Sirens of Greek mythology. 

Even more recently food continued to influence my professional choices. When traveling for work, I tried to book flights on Delta because they serve the bigger Biscoff cookies. I looked for connections in Cincinnati because I really like the Gold Star chili restaurant in the airport food court. And I stayed in hotels that housed or were close to good restaurants.

Given the central role that food plays in my life and work it seems odd that one of my favorite food-related work memories involves a vending machine.  Early in my career while still working as a reporter, the newspaper moved its printing operation from the city to a suburban site where food vending machines in a canteen offered the only nearby dining option. Luckily, I didn't have to work there very often. But they did have a wide variety of machines, including some that dispensed hot food in cans, something I had never seen before. The editor of the paper, a gruff guy, was showing me around the new facility. We got the canteen around lunchtime and he observed, “You can get a good meal here,” then mused aloud, “Let’s see.... what do I want? Yodels or Ring Dings?”

It was a tough choice. But given an option, I’d still go for Nonna’s meatballs.

EOCAWKI: 2016 Election Casting. Let's Try Harder.

The Jargon Master Matrix -- Celebrating the 20th Anniversary of 15 Minutes of Fame

Wall Street Journal, August 1, 1996

It’s hard to believe that it’s been more than 20 years since I came out of a mind-numbing meeting and jotted down the “Jargon Master Matrix.”  It wasn’t a new concept even at the time.  (In fact, I once found something quite similar written by a U.S. Army officer in 1914 using WWI-era military jargon!) Still, the words I selected for the JMM were pretty reflective of corporate jargon at the time so the thing got a bit of attention in the national media. The Wall Street Journal even did a “widow” about it. (“Widows” were short, usually amusing items that appeared in the lower left corner on B1.)

The Jargon Master Matrix works like this:  There are three columns, each with 14 rows of words. You pick three numbers at random between one and 14, find the corresponding words in each column and string them together to create a plausible corporate buzzword phrase.  The original 1996 version follows. It holds up pretty well, but it’s definitely time for a refresh with some 21^st Century bull$#i+.  I’ll put it on the list. Meanwhile, if you have any suggestions, send them along.

Choosing the Right Words is as Simple as 1, 2, 3

Business was so simple a decade ago. All we had to carp about back then was foreign competition and government regulation.  In today’s fast-changing world, though, it’s tough to tell your value propositions from your shifting paradigms. But that doesn’t mean you can’t dispense advice like a pro.  Even the most change-resistant troglodyte can sound like a high priced transformation consultant with the new Jargon Master Matrix.

     Unlike succeeding in today’s highly complex and increasing competitive environment, using the Jargon Master Matrix is simple. Just choose three numbers between 1 and 14.  Then, find the words in each column that correspond to those numbers and string them together in an entirely plausible phrase that will impress your colleagues and customers and make you sound like a knowledgeable observer of a dynamic industry.

   For example, say you chose 11, 8 and 7.  That would give you a “value-based process model,” just what every successful company needs as it moves toward the dawn of the 21^st century. The combination of 1,2 and 9 produces, “overarching support centralization,” a must for any firm bent on achieving maximum efficiency.

   The Jargon master Matrix is guaranteed to produce credible phrases that even the savviest executives will be loath to admit they don’t understand.

  One word of caution: the Jargon Master Matrix is best suited for use in a business environment.  You wouldn’t want to ruin a romantic moment with an ill-timed 2,4 and 14.

-Tony Mattera, Richmond, VA, 1996